A COW whisperer I am not.
A cow milker, even less so.
This became obvious yesterday when I was forced to crawl under a random friesian, lugging a massive udder, and grab her by the teat.
"You'll be right. She won't hurt you," her owner assured me.
Despite a childhood that included house cows and three years on a dairy farm, I was gripped by terror when the great black and white beast made its move on me.
She only twitched her leg, but it could have been fatal if I hadn't thrown myself backwards.
These fears will have to be overcome today when I represent The Gympie Times in the inaugural "Celebrity" Cow Milking Competition in front of the main grand stand at 12.30pm. The competition should be fierce and things could get ugly if it looks like I'm going to go down.
I'm just saying.
My rivals - and surely the white hot favourites - are John Cochrane (none other than the owner of the region's biggest dairy farm and with a few nefarious milking tricks up his sleeve no doubt) and the dairy ring's Miss Charity Show Girl Krystle Johnston.
The fourth contender for this coveted title is Travis Brockman.
I was unable to get any dirt on him yesterday.
He's some bloke they've dragged in from Bank West, the major sponsor of the dairy ring.
Then again, he could be a secret weapon angling for milking glory at my expense.
Dairy steward Ray Zerner wants a clean "race" today. I'll try Ray, but no promises.
Now, how to hide two litres of milk under your shirt... ?