Sunburnt and sassy: Kyle Sandilands’ wild Port Douglas life
KYLE Sandilands has heaped praise on the Cairns Post, had a surprise encounter with Karl Stefanovic and drowned his lobster body in aloe vera juice since arriving in Port Douglas a couple of days ago.
The Sydney radio king broadcast live to the Kyle and Jackie-O Show's 1.2 million listeners from his new million-dollar rainforest getaway in Mowbray on Monday before heading back to NSW.
He was given a grand welcome with a front-page splash on the Cairns Post, a personal on-air call from Douglas Shire Council Mayor Michael Kerr and the assurance that he could plop an autographed plate on the wall if he tucked into an award-winning meal at Salsa's Bar and Grill.
Sandilands was not thrilled about the street of his new home becoming public knowledge but took it in his stride - presumably aware that a croc cannot fart in Mowbray without the locals hearing about it.
"What else happened, the local Cairns Post tracked me down too. Oh, great investigative journalist they've got up here," he told co-host Jackie-O in an outburst of possible sarcasm.
Sandilands suggested the illustrious reporter was "some local guy who wanted to get a name for himself to move to the Courier Mail in Brisbane".
"This will be his big career step," he concluded.
Word of the Cairns Post's investigation quickly reached one of the region's most prominent exports, who got on the blower to make sure Kyle was not cutting his grass.
"Even Karl Stefanovic rang me 40 minutes after I landed and said, 'What are you doin' in Cairns?'" Sandilands said.
"Like, the word's already spread back to Stefanovic, 'cause this is his original hometown, Cairns."
It's true - even after so many years in the big-city wilderness, Stefanovic's innate Far North instincts are still so finely tuned that his nostrils flare every time a cassowary claws its crotch.
Should anyone try to scope out Kyle and his girlfriend Tegan Kynaston at their new hideaway, they could run into strife.
"Yeah you can't see anyone, no neighbours, I'm up in the rainforest in the hill," he said.
"You'd have to trespass and then get past the cannon set-up that we've - no we've got no cannons."
The stay has not been all beer and skittles, though.
King Kyle revealed he was shedding skin at a frightening rate.
"It's fabulous, awesome, yeah it's hot as death, it's so hot and lovely but I've just been in the pool the whole time," he said.
"I'm so sunburnt, Jackie.
"I'm covered in aloe vera juice - I'm like a lobster."
The pair's show chugged along with celebrity scandals, talk about Smirnoff Black vodka being the ultimate gay beverage, and mention of Jackie-O's weeping "lasagne forehead" after suffering some horrific injury.
Then the phone rang, and it was Douglas Mayor Michael Kerr.
"Hello, your majesty," Sandilands gushed.
"You've obviously heard, I've moved to your wonderful beachside town, which is the greatest spot in the country, I think.
"Did you hear that I'm here?"
Cr Kerr clearly picked up a copy of the Cairns Post and was well aware of his distinguished new neighbour.
"I always knew you were an intelligent man who'd pick a great location to live - and you certainly have," he said.
"Honestly, it's paradise, and that's why we live here."
Sandilands revealed he lived in Cairns to work at his second ever radio gig 35 years ago.
He also said he had been spending big within the local economy - although he was unaware that Tommy Bahama was a global chain.
"I've been everywhere, I went to the markets on the weekend, Osprey's, we're going to Ospreys', Tommy Bahama's - this little local shop, I went and bought all my Hawaiian shirts there," he said.
"I went to the CBD (cannabidiol) stand down at the market stall there and asked the woman did they have any bud, but they didn't, they would only give me the oil, which is all good."
He was knocked back on an attempt to get "celebrity privilege" to allow him to park his car in taxi zones, but succeeded in getting a key to the city if the mayor ever got around to getting one made.
"We haven't actually had that before, so it's something we should definitely look at," Cr Kerr said.
"If I can get something through, by all means I'd love to do that for you."
Jackie-O was feeling slightly boastful and urged Kyle to visit the amazing Salsa's Bar and Grill, where he could find a plate she autographed on the wall "next to Bill Clinton's".
Paul from Salsa's called the station and assured him it was "near" the former US president's own signed plate.
"Well you can replace that sh**er when I come in tonight with a real celebrity's plate," Sandilands responded.
He almost changed his mind after being told some room would be made "somewhere out the back" of the restaurant.
"What an a**ehole, screw that, I'm not going there," he said.
"I'm going to down to the doughnut shop instead.
"Thank you Paul, I'll see you tonight.
"I heard it's one of the best places in town."
For all his initial distress at his arrival being so public, Sandilands appeared to be coming around to the fanfare by the end of the show.
His multi-page Cairns Post spread will no doubt be mounted, framed and given pride of place in the pool room.
"Not just the front page, Jackie, it says on the front page of the Cairns Post 'CELEBRITY HAVEN' and instantly I thought, well, who else could that be about?" he said.
"There's not a lot of celebrities up here.
"And then inside on Page 6 and 7, a double-page spread - photos of the house, the whole deal, look at that.
"Yeah, that'll be straight up."
Originally published as Sunburnt and sassy: Kyle Sandilands' wild Port Douglas life