Strange Politics: Seaweed sushi to stifle Canberra windbags
SCIENTISTS have discovered feeding cows just a morsel of seaweed with their normal diet can rein in the amount of hot air they produce by 99%.
We owe it to our descendants to start experimenting on politicians.
Queensland boffins say the ground-breaking research could break the notoriously flatulent beasts' wind-breaking habits down to a manageable level, in essence so we don't all fry to a crisp under an ozone layer ravaged by bovine burps.
Not just any run-of-the mill kelp will do - only a special variety of red seaweed called asparagopsis taxiformis has the desired effect.
Since it sounds like two of the world's most despised things - asparagus and taxes - I propose some keenly focused human testing is in order.
Having only visited Parliament House a couple of times, I cannot quote the canteen's taxpayer-subsidised menu by rote, but the food was cheap, heavy on roasts and, to my knowledge, devoid of sushi. This is the perfect chance to change that.
Have a look at the unbridled windbaggery we are facing.
Liberal Democrat Senator David Leyonhjelm is engaged in a full-blown dummy spit after Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull apparently reneged on a deal to legalise the seven-shot Adler shotgun if Leyonhjelm voted for the government's Australian Building and Construction Commission legislation.
The deal was apparently struck back when Tony Abbott was at the nation's helm, but the former PM told ABC's 7.30 there were: "No deals from me. No deals from my office. No deal."
Abbott's blunt denial he horse-traded over the rapid-fire weapons puts Turnbull in a sticky spot. He is desperate to establish the ABCC and prove he can deliver at least one major piece of legislation.
It was Abbott's baby but Turnbull needs to get it through if he wants a reprieve from his backbenchers' stifling breath beating down on his neck.
Pauline Hanson has previously said she would back the ABCC to combat "union thuggery" but now she is spouting off some steam of her own, trying to get Norfolk Island administrator Gary Hardgrave sacked to allow the former territory to govern itself.
The Turnbull government is not going to budge on that one, so some more trade-offs might be needed to secure the One Nation leader's ABCC vote.
If a shake-up of the Parliament House menu can reduce the ozone layer over Canberra's decimation, why not give it a go?
It will be too late for former MP Clive Palmer, but he has made dietary changes of his own.
The embattled mining magnate drummed up speculation he was the latest face of diet food company Lite n' Easy after several social media posts about losing more than 21kg since leaving parliament.
"Yesterday I was enjoying a Lite n' Easy meal for lunch," he told his Facebook followers.
He denied any endorsement deal was at play, assuring the public there was "no deal, none being sought".