Sexpert shames MAFS groom for stupid act
A Married At First Sight husband fakes a revelation about an affair in what stacks up to be a ridiculous gag that's mercilessly smacked down by the show's sexpert in a moment that's more climactic than the actual sorta-affair that just fizzles out with no conclusion.
We want answers! Actually … do we? What happens to Cam and Coco? They both escape their failing marriages as well as the entire show on Sunday but we're given no closure.
It feels like, as the credits roll, still title cards should appear with Where Are They Now updates about the key players - like they do at the end of biopics.
"Cam's still restlessly single and struggling with communicating his feelings."
"Coco went on to release a successful line of slogan tank tops."
Is that too much to ask? Are we demanding the world?
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Particularly when their affair kicks into gear just moments before the commitment ceremony - with a sneaky, secret pash in Coco's studio hotel room. Sure, they ended last week's dinner party filthy with each other because Coco outed their sorta-affair without giving Cam a heads-up. But 12 hours goes by and, all of a sudden, Cam's all up in Coco's business like that G-string unitard she wore.
As usual, we deal with the most important piece of information right up top. This is a news website after all.
Brett decides to stay but, on his card, he spells his decision using the Stussy emblem.
We'll let Bryce, a regional radio DJ, trip himself over with this quote: "In my line of work, you can't afford to be nervous, otherwise you haven't got a job. I took that as ego versus ego. Trying to be the bigger ego".
The experts offer advice that can be summarised as, "Stop being a wang," and he gets stroppy - throwing his crumbled decision card on the floor.
Finally, we're gifted a moment of good news.
The Sasshole chooses to leave but Jake chooses to stay. Ya trapped, The Sasshole!
Then the token elderly couple - Russell, 37, and Beth, 39 - choose to tap out. Producers immediately cut to an ad break to allow enough time for them to zimmer frame out of shot.
The good news comes to a halt when James and Jo get up on the couch.
"I think I'm just gonna come clean and say something to you," James brings down the tone of the room, pausing to stare at the floor. "I can't deny it anymore. I'm in love with another woman."
Now, it's at this moment the cameraman cuts to Coco, who's low-key thinking she's the person James is in love with.
The colour drains from Jo's face and we can see the cogs in her brain turning as she tries to recalibrate while also attempting to stay calm on camera.
"Can I tell you who it is?" he asks.
She doesn't look at him. "Is it someone in the experiment?"
"Yeah. It's Alessandra," he says, looking over to the show's new sex expert who, until now, was officially known as Fake Trish.
He leaps to his feet and strides over to kiss Alessandra on the cheek. Forced into receiving unwanted physical affection on camera, she has never looked more like Melania Trump than in this moment.
Jo's irritated and humiliated. But mostly confused about the bad joke. "Why is he making a joke out of that?"
Alessandra's equally baffled. "I don't get the joke."
James returns to the couch and is forced to sit awkwardly in the dud response to his lame gag.
"I think it's incredibly disrespectful to Jo, who's sitting next to you," Alessandra informs him.
"I'm trying to lighten the mood. I was only joking," James dismisses.
The sexpert cuts him off. "It's not a good joke."
Way to go, Fake Trish!
"That was really not a funny joke," Jo reiterates.
"NO," Alessandra adds, just in case James still hasn't quite understood how terrible his joke was.
But the gags don't stop. Here's where it gets tedious, so keep up: James says he was hurt when, at last week's commitment ceremony, Jo wrote, "Stay (for now)". And so tonight, when he reveals his decision card, it reads, "Leave (for now)" … only, the word "for" has been weirdly redacted with a line drawn through it.
You have no idea how much my body hurt having to waste time writing that previous paragraph.
Here's the photo:
Anyway, joke's on you, James - because Jo decides to stay. Ya trapped!
"You just took the piss out of an expert on the show. It wasn't even funny," spits Jo.
Now it's time for the waves to settle as we deal with stock standard MAFS material: A sorta-affair.
Finally! Something not controversial.
The experts obviously know about the Coco and Cam sorta-affair because of the secret CCTV vision they view in their underground lair. But they play dumb and just let these bozos ruin themselves.
"Is there any reason for people to be saying you two are a thing," Mel Schilling grills Coco.
Of course, Coco lies.
"No, I think he's … attractive?" she replies. "I get along well with him. And, like, nothing happened between Cam and I by any means. There's been no hand holding, no whispering. No flirtation or anything like that."
Cocophine, we both know there has been all of that. And a secret kiss that happened in front of seven cameras just moments ago. Don't make us go to the instant replay.
"We haven't hooked up," Coco continues to assure everyone. "We did not cross the line. We did not cross the line while we were still in the experiment. There's been absolutely no rooting or anything."
The sex lady is on a roll tonight and jumps in to slap down Coco. What an evening! John Aiken hasn't even tried to mansplain anything to us once!
"I don't think you need to sleep together for there to be a sense of betrayal," Melania says.
Coco and Sam both leave and then Sam and Cam roll up to the couch and why weren't these people assigned less-confusing names!
Samantha tries delivering an impassioned speech and, while we do feel sorry for you Sam, we're done for the evening. Show us ya cards!
They both leave.
After all this, if Coco doesn't at least launch a successful slogan tank top business on the internet, we have officially lost all hope in the sanctity of fake TV marriages.
Originally published as Sexpert shames MAFS groom for stupid act