Obnoxious groom’s pathetic public tantrum
Just when we thought mankles were going to be the sole reason for a wedding's destruction on Married At First Sight, the obnoxious groom in possession of the cropped pants goes and throws a bratty tantrum and storms out.
Why? Because his mum tries to inject a little showbiz razzle dazzle by storming the stage, grabbing the mic and performing an a cappella song as a one-woman flash mob. I do the same thing at funerals.
On Sunday night, the experts make the next two matches for the series and the plate of macarons remains untouched.
We meet Connie and Jonethen (sic). She's an aspiring marine biologist and he's a FIFO worker on the Goldie. Connie's super meek with no self esteem and she doesn't know why she's single. We inform her it's probably because she insists on wearing these weird glasses.
"I've been single for five years. I do a lot of things alone. I don't have many friends. I do most things alone," she whispers to us.
Honestly, we feel sorry for her but she's a bit of a wet blanket. We're quick to write off Connie as someone not interesting enough to include in this recap. But then her judgy mum Rina comes along who hates everything and everyone and openly criticises people to their faces. Finally, we feel represented on this show. Obviously we have to include Rina.
When her meek daughter tells her she's getting married, Rina laughs in her face. Then she finds out it's Married At First Sight and she's spewing.
"I can't STAND that show. I think it's ridiculous. Catty and bitchy," she spits.
Rina just listed the two things that make us tolerate this program, but each to their own.
It's at this point Connie and Rina's acting gets really on the nose and we're too bored to play along.
Meanwhile, we meet Ivan who's an obnoxious real estate agent who corrects everyone on the pronunciation of his name and is mean to his parents. The experts match him with Aleks because "they're both real estate agents!" and … sure. Nice work, guys.
"I'm 26 and not married and I've never even lived with a man and that's just weird," Aleks frets.
She has a musical note tattoo on her ankle and the word "love" tattooed in cursive on her wrist. Clearly she's the kind of person who makes questionable decision and has no regrets, which makes her the perfect candidate for this show.
On the morning of her wedding day, she articulates how she's feeling.
"If I had to describe it, it's like I'm holding a coffee but I need to sneeze and I'm so nervous I'm gonna get burnt that I try to hold it back," she explains.
She could just, you know … put the coffee down, sneeze, then pick the coffee back up again. But this show is not built on logic. It's built on make-believe science.
It's around now we cut to Ivan putting deodorant on his feet and powdering his milky inner thighs to avoid chafe and we just give up. These two clowns can have each other.
We rock up late to Connie and Jonethen's wedding and everything's fine (read: boring) and they're happy with each other. So we drag Rina outside and make her say mean things.
For a woman who hates this show, Rina sure likes getting screen time on it.
"I can't stand this show!" she declares.
"Then literally stop starring on it," we eye-roll at her.
"Why do you hate this show?" a producer probes.
"You're gonna cut this out so it doesn't matter what I say," she huffs. "I think this show can be quite manipulating. Like, this interview - you're gonna take bits out, you're not gonna take everything I've said."
Mhhhmm. Mhhhmm. You're an astute dame, Rina.
We ask her what she thinks of Jonethen and if the marriage will work out.
"Ummm. No. No I don't actually," she snips.
Inside the reception, Jonethen goes around and meets the family and Rina ices him out. But then the speeches are made and hours pass and, by the end of the night, Rina decides she loves everyone, mainly because she's drunk.
"I hope it worrkkkkks ouuup!" she slurs as she stumbles out of the ballroom.
At some church on the other side of town, Aleks' family have already determined a major problem with the new addition to the family: mankles. Man. Ankles.
The current trend of cropped pants blatantly exposing a man's ankles has been deemed so offensive around the globe that some bars and clubs have even banned the presence of mankles in their establishments.
Anyway, everyone's got a problem with Ivan's mankle and tap shoe combo and then when Aleks rolls up, it's the first thing she notices.
But mankles are the least of Aleks' concerns and she has to endure this creepy kiss.
Aleks is blinded by the sheer joy of finally finding companionship at the decrepit age of 26, so she overlooks any red flags. Until she sees Ivan's bratty side.
Ivan is always irritated by his Ukrainian parents and gets angry if they even look in his direction. In an intimate moment, his mum Joanne tells us all that she has a secret talent.
"You know, I love to perform," she winks at us.
Joanne, we could bloody tell you've got talent in spades and we reckon you should get up on that stage and show us what you got. And so she does. The lights dim and she grabs a microphone before belting out a tune a cappella.
Ivan cuts sick.
"You're embarrassing yourself," he snips at his mum but she doesn't hear because she's too busy feeling her own groove.
We start yelling out song requests.
"Pour Some Sugar On Me!"
"Rolling In The Deep!"
But before anyone can really egg on Joanne, Ivan goes and shames her in front of the entire room - death staring her and shaking his head as she tottles back to her table.
Geez, people really don't appreciate raw talent anymore and I know exactly how Joanne feels. There were a few months last year where I'd walk around the office singing, "I'm in the deeeeeeep ennnnnd, watch as I diiiiive iiiin!" and then a bunch of losers whose names I don't know lodged a complaint.
"I was about to walk out," Ivan tells his wife through gritted teeth. "She doesn't realise what she's just done."
But Joanne's a seasoned performer and she knows the crowd loved every second of it. Rave reviews begin circulating around the hall.
"We should've arranged a flash mob!" she says. Joanne, we give you permission to arrange a flash mob anywhere, any time, babe.
Ivan starts yelling out across the room for tequila shots and Aleks can't believe what a brat her new husband is being. He declares he's not hungry anymore and storms out of the reception to go sulk in a dark room - leaving his wife to walk around the hall alone and meet her new in-laws.
As we all know, it's about 20 minutes after throwing a public tantrum that you start to realise what a massive idiot you looked like. Ivan might be obnoxious, but he still feels the burn of guilt and humiliation. He marches his little mankles back inside and gives a sulky apology. Does Aleks forgive him? Of course, she's 26! If she doesn't make it work with this guy, there's literally no one else left in the world!
A tantrum over an a cappella solo flash mob is something Aleks can forgive. But the mankles? That's a battle for tomorrow.