Everybody has a story about nightmare neighbours, but this rowdy late-night couple has taken the cake, and left the entire suburb sleep deprived.
Everybody has a story about nightmare neighbours, but this rowdy late-night couple has taken the cake, and left the entire suburb sleep deprived.

Neighbours shamed over ‘nightmare sexcapades’

Sometimes, forming a relationship with new neighbours can be more delicate an art-form than aiming for peace in the Middle East.

Anybody who has ever lived in a high density area or next to a rental property knows what I'm talking about. Actually, scrap that. Anybody who has ever resided in a dwelling with four walls, a roof, and people within a 500m radius knows what I'm talking about.

Everybody has at least one horror story containing nightmare neighbours.

There's the neighbour who likes to bust out their acoustic guitar and play with the windows open for hours on end despite having no discernible talent.

The neighbour who loves to bring the club back home at 4am.

The neighbour who chain smokes inside the apartment and makes the entire building smell like a suburban RSL resurrected from the 1980s.

The neighbour who hires an army of obnoxious tradies to undertake a months-long renovation that involves setting up a drop saw outside your bedroom window.

The neighbour who you could write a detailed biography on due to their love of long conversations taken on speakerphone while sitting the balcony.

But more infamous and loathed than any other is the loud-in-bed neighbour. And no, I'm not talking about occasionally accidentally hearing things because such is the nature of living in close proximity, I'm talking Oscar-winning performances for the cafe down the road to hear.

Maybe they're exhibitionists, maybe they're too drunk to realise at the time, or maybe they're just plain unaware, but the person whose favourite pastime involves making love with the windows open and not a care in the world as they scream to the high heavens is, without question, the worst of the all bad neighbours to have ever existed. And now, thanks to one resident deviant in Brisbane, they're viral.

Shared via Reddit, the dressing down comes in the form of the anonymous letter - a timeless form of passive aggression - to some newly-arrived rompers.

"We were woken up this morning at around 12.30am mortified, drifting from what we thought (was) a nightmare into reality with the sounds of … loud moaning and groaning."

 

This aggressive note was left in the letterbox of a Queensland resident by their neighbour. Picture: Reddit
This aggressive note was left in the letterbox of a Queensland resident by their neighbour. Picture: Reddit

"Your sexcapade was then followed by laughing and chatting until the very early morning hours. We can actually hear every word you say. Can you please keep it down? And PLEASE PLEASE close your windows when you have sex because IT IS NOT SEXY AT ALL."

Admittedly there's a distinct air of pearl-clutching within the letter, but when you're exhausted (in the worst and most unfulfilling way possible), taking drastic measures seems logical and not at all dramatic.

The problem with confronting the nightmare neighbour, though, is that it rarely ends well. In fact, it usually just emboldens them to behave even more badly than before.

The aspiring Tommy Emmanuel forms a band and holds practices at their house. The occasional kick-on becomes a weekly event. The tradies discover some mysterious soil condition that now requires six weeks of underpinning work and direct access to your courtyard, which conveniently, looks directly into your bathroom.

As for the person who dared issue a bonk ban upon their new residents of the Paddington/Milton apartment block? All I can say is buy some noise cancelling headphones, you're going to need them.

Originally published as Neighbours shamed over 'nightmare sexcapades'



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