Annoying plan behind topless Martha pic
Remember the olden days when people had jobs? That was a crazy time.
Now, it has become its own job to not have a job. As the old saying goes, it takes a lot of work to not work this hard.
In 2019, it all comes down to optics. It's not about having actual skill - it's just about looking like you do.
Martha from Married At First Sight has this week tried to kick her non-career trajectory up a notch by posing topless for a series of photos while holidaying and avoiding work in Greece.
It's just one of many attempts by the former reality TV contestant to follow in the footsteps of her workplace mentor, Kim Kardashian. She has already had plastic surgery to physically resemble Kim. Now the topless photos mean she's definitely on track with her five year plan.
"I'm not working, my parents are supporting me," she proudly declared while on the reality show and I plan on yelling at my accountant for not telling me about this booming financial scheme.
But apparently the daily grind of not working is a tough industry to break into.
An Aussie girl trying to kickstart her career as an influencer lashed out this week at companies for turning her down because she looks too "real". Indeed, there is a weight problem in the modelling industry. But just because you want something doesn't mean you can just have it.
That's not how things works. I'd love to be a human rights lawyer like Amal Clooney, but I can't start calling myself one just because I get a designer husband and a great wardrobe.
Wait. No, I'm wrong. You actually can do that.
Kim Kardashian is "studying to be a lawyer" but not because she actually wants to be a lawyer. She just wants to look like a lawyer and say she's a lawyer. Since she started "studying", she has been running around in blazers, holding books and even cut her hair into a bob. She pretends to be, therefore she is.
Brooklyn Beckham is doing a similar thing. He wants to be a photographer, so his mum and dad bought him an expensive camera and he published a book of rubbish photos. They used their connections to secure him deals shooting big campaigns and then got him a position interning for legendary photographer Rankin - but rumours quickly leaked he is a total novice and "lacking in basic skills".
But this doesn't matter. He can now say he's a photographer and walk around holding a camera. Why waste time actually being good at something when you can just look like you're a pro?
When it comes to people like this, "All the gear, no idea!" is the company motto.
Well, it would be, if any of them actually bothered working at a company.
THE IMPORTANCE OF A LASTING IMPRESSION
No doubt you all saw that meme-turned-news story this week about what your email sign-off says about you.
Canadian university student Julia Burnham created a chart that ranks common sign-offs from good to evil. If you finish with "cheers" you're "good", "thanks" means you're "neutral" and "ciao" is just the worst and means you're "evil".
I trust if you're reading this column, you're all evil. If not, you don't belong here so please turn the page.
The chart details a whole bunch of other sign-offs, but it doesn't include my new favourite one I've stolen off someone very dramatic and who has far too much time on her hands.
"Govern yourself accordingly," she signs off each of her many emails and then I go and pour another glass of wine, accordingly.
Please take this sign-off and use it as your own. I now conclude all texts and emails with the phrase and, because there isn't much else going on in my life, it's the most fun I've had in a while. Sometimes I even just yell it at no one in particular while walking out of a room.
Evil readers, govern yourselves accordingly.
YOUR LETTERS, REPRINTED WITHOUT PERMISSION
You wanted more Roberta Williams content, you've got it!
Last week's column resulted in an overwhelming surge of feedback about our friend Bert. Particularly regarding her yen for a tracksuit.
Playing with fire, we're forging ahead with Bert Williams gags because we believe in giving the people what they want.
In response to a really terrific snap of Bert walking out of the police station in her finest sweats, one reader, Sarah Beesley, noted: "Perfect outfit for a trip down to Coles. She looks like she'd ask for an extra Mini … You don't want to be working the checkout when she's 40c short of $30 - all hell breaks loose."
I've never read a more accurate observation.
Another reader, Micaela Talbot, questioned Bert's "lack of socks" and it's a totally legitimate point but I also understand that Bert is a busy lady. She's preoccupied with some issues at the moment and she doesn't always have time for socks.
Emma Shoesmith admired the "timeless elegance of a Miller's trackie dack".
And Ineke Hannah keenly remarked Bert "looks more like Carl every day" and, scientifically, I'm not sure how this is possible but who am I to question you readers?
A TRUE SIGN OF PROGRESS
It's great to see absolutely none of us were offended by the excessive use of the C-word on The Bachelor this week.
No nerds protested with online petitions - which have become the internet version of "can I speak to your manager?"
Broadcast standards have become lax. Married At First Sight was the first show to drop the controversial word this year and, now The Bachelor has followed, we'll probably start seeing the C-word filter into regular programming.
Flip on Better Homes & Gardens and Joh Griggs will probably drop it next time she sees a particularly crafty kitchen reno.
Everyone's favourite Summer Bay curmudgeon Alf Stewart might also take a shine to it.
His catchphrase "stone the flamin' crows!" could be updated with a much punchier C-word.